Damn it, you've got to be kind

I have a code in life. In fact, “there is only one rule that I know of… you’ve got to be kind.” Yet in these trying times, I find myself that I am becoming just the opposite. I was told once that there exists an expiration date on love, and I seem to have found the expiration date on kindness. While I had a long shelf-life, I now spend my days void of kindness. A life void of kindness is not one necessarily filled with hatred or brutality, though this may be the case; but my void is replaced by… nothing.

I am of the belief “that people can use all the uncritical love they can get.” But what can we do when people do not accept that love? I struggle with this most of all. When people reject my code of kindness, my response is to reject them as a person. By sticking to one rule, I lack a code of compassion. So far, I have gotten away with rejecting people. I have no problem with cutting people out of my life, never to speak to them again without blinking an eye. But during quarantine, when people reject my kindness and happiness and the ability to smile despite every part of me breaking down, how can I still remain kind?

I think of The Count of Monte Cristo, he was a perfect gentleman in every aspect of his life, even in the face of his mortal enemies. Is this ingenuine? Is this, for lack of a better word, “fake?” Or rather, is this the “uncritical love” I mentioned before? Is this the purest form of kindness? To be kind to people that reject your uncritical love? I think this is my last big hump to get over in my short 22 years.

So, where does this leave me? In terms of those I have cut off, I suppose a time for kindness may appear one day. In those moments, I can be a Monte Cristo, perfectly gallant. But in the close people in my life that reject kindness, it will be my life’s struggle to remain kind. I hope that by writing this, I can verbalize this inner struggle as a reminder to remain kind in those moments.