Chapter Seven

There I sat, staring at the alarm clock. That week I had been waking up at 5:30 am just like Ian had told me. But also as he predicted, it really was hard in the beginning. The first battle of the day was fighting the snooze button. I am still of the firm belief that falling back asleep is the greatest feeling on earth, especially when you don’t necessarily have to get out of bed. In fact, when I was in high school I would set an alarm for three o’clock in the morning just to be able to feel that wonderful sensation of falling back asleep.

So no, I was not required to get out of bed at 5:30 five days a week; I did not have to by anyone’s standards. But I did have to by my own. When I got to San Francisco, sure I was learning, but I was not growing as much as I knew that I needed to be. Yes, I had started spending more time alone, working on becoming more self-aware, but this was not enough. This was the only idea that would eventually get me out of bed in the beginning. Every time I hit the snooze button I would feel immense shame. It also created a slight panic in me; a feeling that if I was not growing, then I was falling behind.

The second battle of the morning was figuring out exactly what it was that I wanted to do with all of that extra time. Ian had said that he spent his mornings becoming the person he was, but he never told me exactly what it was that he was learning. And anyways, I didn’t want to be exactly like him.

The problem with being an engineering student is that I was forced to go that five miles deep in only one subject, leaving me little time to explore anything else. Admittedly, I was so far down the hole of engineering that I didn’t even know what else was out there to learn. I figured that I would start with a simple google search along the lines of “top ten things to learn this year.” Sure enough, I had only heard of half of them. I took to my sticky notes and started posting different topics under the “what I want to learn” heading.

At the end of the brainstorm, I had chosen five skills that I determined to dedicate the next year with becoming more than familiar. Obviously first on the list was learning to code. After last week’s failure to write what Salazar said was basic code, this skill was definitely my top priority. The other technical skill I wanted to learn was Photoshop, primarily because there was unlimited creativity with this tool. The nontechnical skills included digital marketing, growth hacking, and UX design. Why? Because I knew absolutely nothing about marketing and I was starting to see how this part of a business may be the single most important department. If my dream really was to start a company some day, I wanted to know exactly what it was that I would be paying employees to do.

I decided to tackle one skill at a time in an attempt to not be entirely overwhelmed. That past week I had started every morning with a brand new routine. I would wake up at 5:30, and before anything else, I devoted ten minutes to just being alone. Ten minutes may not seem like a long time, but before that summer, I can confidently say that I had never dedicated even half of that time to be silent with only my thoughts. The first few times were difficult– I would set a timer and by roughly four minutes in I would start to stir and become anxious, filled with discomfort just sitting there. After about a week of this, though, the ten minutes would start to fly by. It was in these moments that I defined exactly what I wanted to accomplish during that specific day. It started as more concrete things like finishing my work on time, or reading twenty pages, but then it shifted towards more intangible concepts such as “I want to feel a sense of purpose in everything I do,” or “I want to make someone’s day better through our interactions.” Thoughts like these began to shift my mindset of how I went about the rest of the day.

After the morning reflection, I would shower, dress, and pour myself a cup of coffee; it was still too early in the morning for breakfast. From six to seven I would put in my headphones and start to practice learning code. It is incredible the amount of free resources that exist these days. I swear someone could receive ninety percent of bachelor's degrees by watching YouTube videos. From there I would make a quick breakfast and head over to the BART where I would show up for work at 8:00 exactly; never early, never late, always punctual.

As Ian predicted, this routine would get easier as time went by. And he was right-- I was really getting into the rhythm of taking care of my obligations before I faced what the rest of the world demanded of me. The best part? I really was learning. For that first month of coding, once I got all of the basics down, I wanted to actually apply the skill to my real life, outside of a computer screen. Afterall, isn’t programming supposed to make life easier? This manifested in me automating my apartment as much as I could.

It was a little investment, but I started to buy smart applications that I could connect to the code’s server. Now, when my alarm went off in the morning, my lights would slowly turn on in my room, a wake up playlist would play on my speaker, and coffee would be poured in the kitchen. One month prior, I never knew any of this was possible, let alone that I would be able to learn how to do it myself.

On this particular morning while I was making breakfast, I realized that I had stopped speaking to my mom ever since I started the routine. I couldn’t believe it– the summer was almost halfway over and this ten year habit had suddenly disappeared without me even realizing. I felt guilty. At the same time, this also meant that I wasn’t taking Salazar’s advice. Sure I had been working hard every morning before work to become a more “T-shaped” person, but I hadn’t dedicated more time to being alone without work or distractions. In fact, apart from the morning meditation and going to the redwoods was the only time this summer that I worked on learning to be alone; I still was not entirely comfortable with being alone in public spaces. The problem was that I loved my morning routine; I was learning and it was a great way to start a productive day. I didn’t want to change anything there. But by the time I got home from work, I would be too tired to really go do something.

I decided on a compromise. Going forward, I would devote three mornings per work week to the morning routine and the other two days I would sleep in and do something after work by myself. The weekends would be a mix of intern social events and some alone time. But first, I had to catch up with an old friend.

Hi, Mom. I know, it’s been too long. I’m sorry. I’m sorry and I’m scared. For the past ten years I hadn’t gone a day without talking to you and all of a sudden it has been a month. I’m scared that you are fading from my life. Even though I never met you, it was these conversations that had gotten me through all of the hard times in my life; those horrible high school dances, the time I got cut from tryouts. It was always you that helped me through it. And for once in my life, I haven’t needed you. For once, I feel like I’m really doing something important.

So, Mom, I guess our relationship is changing; mainly because I am changing. I think I am going to need you in a very different way going forward. Before, you helped me through the hard times; you were my rock of support. But during those times, I always had one goal: to get where I am today. There was a light at the end of the tunnel. But now that I have reached the end of that tunnel, I don’t know which way the path leads.

With all of the work I am doing, I know that I am setting myself up for something big. But I don’t yet know what that something is. I think these next years are going to be filled with uncertainties and I am going to need someone to be my rock that ensures me that my efforts are not in vain. I know that there will be dark days ahead of doubt. Mom, I promise that I will still turn to you in those moments.

All right, Mom, I gotta get to work. Thanks for still being there for me.